Another sheet that I have been keeping for some time, and that I am glad to reproduce electronically in order to eliminate the paper, is a useful pastoral approach to people who are experiencing the pain of the death of a loved one. It is a “Decalogue” of pieces of advice for living this delicate moment of human sorrow as well as possible, sustained by faith. The list of suggestions was prepared, I believe, by Msgr. Luciano Pascucci, or in any case he passed it on to us young priests at a meeting of ongoing formation of the clergy:
SEE YOU IN HEAVEN
(Decalogue for when a loved one dies)
1. With the death of the person you love, it is as if the ground had been taken away from under your feet.
But even if the tears are inexhaustible, even if you do not feel the
earth beneath your feet, do not sink below the hands of God.
You may abandon yourself to your tears, in the certainty that his hands will
hold you lovingly. You will not go under. Grief can
transform you; it can make you know the depths of your soul.
But even if the tears are inexhaustible, even if you do not feel the
earth beneath your feet, do not sink below the hands of God.
You may abandon yourself to your tears, in the certainty that his hands will
hold you lovingly. You will not go under. Grief can
transform you; it can make you know the depths of your soul.
2. Do not be surprised if during the period of grief feelings of anger and
rage also surface. Make room for despair. Express it! Speak about it with the
people who are close to you; offer it to God in prayer. Present to
God your wounded heart, so that it may be healed by his
loving closeness. Do not hold back your tears. In this way
you prevent your pain from being worked through, transforming itself into a
new life that can sprout within you. Let the pain flow.
It will cease, it will be transformed, and it will lead you into a new joy of
living. Let yourself go at the rhythm of your pain: do not subject it to
the pressure of overcoming it sooner than is good for your soul. But
in pain, trust in the words of Scripture: “He will wipe
every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning,
wailing or pain…”.
people who are close to you; offer it to God in prayer. Present to
God your wounded heart, so that it may be healed by his
loving closeness. Do not hold back your tears. In this way
you prevent your pain from being worked through, transforming itself into a
new life that can sprout within you. Let the pain flow.
It will cease, it will be transformed, and it will lead you into a new joy of
living. Let yourself go at the rhythm of your pain: do not subject it to
the pressure of overcoming it sooner than is good for your soul. But
in pain, trust in the words of Scripture: “He will wipe
every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning,
wailing or pain…”.
3. Do not worry if during the period of grief your prayer turns into lament.
Today we have erased lament from our prayers. We can
ask God for an explanation: “Why have you done this to me? What sense
does it make? After all, we are a good family… Why do you treat us in this
way?” Have the courage to lament!
ask God for an explanation: “Why have you done this to me? What sense
does it make? After all, we are a good family… Why do you treat us in this
way?” Have the courage to lament!
4. Renounce also blaming yourself, reproaching yourself and tearing yourself apart with feelings of guilt. “Should I not
have treated him differently? Did I take care of him? What
have I neglected toward him?” Offer your guilt to God and
trust in his complete forgiveness. You must trust that even the
departed person has forgiven everything. Now he is with God, and close
to him he is at peace. Indeed, he would want you to share in his peace.
have I neglected toward him?” Offer your guilt to God and
trust in his complete forgiveness. You must trust that even the
departed person has forgiven everything. Now he is with God, and close
to him he is at peace. Indeed, he would want you to share in his peace.
5. When you think back on your dear departed one, do not stop at remembering the
individual facts. Ask yourself what message he would have wanted to
bring you. This is certainly what God wanted and wants to say to you
through him. When you think of the loved one who has passed away, your
thoughts must not be directed to the past. Also ask the
departed person what he would like to say to you today; pray that he may direct you
toward what is truly important for your life. He might
also invite you to include death in your life project. Thinking
about death must not make your life bitter, but help you to live in
a more vigilant and conscious way.
individual facts. Ask yourself what message he would have wanted to
bring you. This is certainly what God wanted and wants to say to you
through him. When you think of the loved one who has passed away, your
thoughts must not be directed to the past. Also ask the
departed person what he would like to say to you today; pray that he may direct you
toward what is truly important for your life. He might
also invite you to include death in your life project. Thinking
about death must not make your life bitter, but help you to live in
a more vigilant and conscious way.
6. One way to fill your grief with meaning is to pray for the
departed person. You can pray that, in the encounter with God, he may
abandon himself completely into his arms and let himself be captivated by
his love and by his mercy, that he may entrust himself to God and thus
experience his glory. Your prayer is the last act of
love for your dear departed one; it is an interceding that his death
may have a good outcome, that everything may not have ended with the final
moment of his earthly life. But your prayer must also be
marked by gratitude. You must thank God because he has
given you this person as a gift. In prayer you will experience a new
form of communion with the departed person. The dead person is now with that
God to whom you turn. If in prayer you sense the
closeness of God, together with him you can also feel the closeness of
your loved one. Every time you take part in Mass you can be certain
that you are sharing in the heavenly liturgy, in the eternal hymn of praise that
all the dear departed raise unceasingly in heaven.
abandon himself completely into his arms and let himself be captivated by
his love and by his mercy, that he may entrust himself to God and thus
experience his glory. Your prayer is the last act of
love for your dear departed one; it is an interceding that his death
may have a good outcome, that everything may not have ended with the final
moment of his earthly life. But your prayer must also be
marked by gratitude. You must thank God because he has
given you this person as a gift. In prayer you will experience a new
form of communion with the departed person. The dead person is now with that
God to whom you turn. If in prayer you sense the
closeness of God, together with him you can also feel the closeness of
your loved one. Every time you take part in Mass you can be certain
that you are sharing in the heavenly liturgy, in the eternal hymn of praise that
all the dear departed raise unceasingly in heaven.
7. You can pray for the departed person. But you can also turn to him, even if he was young. Ask
the departed person in prayer to accompany you along your path, to
protect you from false steps, to tell you what counts in your life.
They are with God and, in God, they are also close to you. The purpose
of mourning is to establish a new form of relationship with the
dear departed one. In prayer we perceive the dead person as our
inner guide. Thus you will realize that the relationship with your dear loved one
has not been severed, but only transferred to another level.
Pray to him and, in God, he will travel every road together with you.
protect you from false steps, to tell you what counts in your life.
They are with God and, in God, they are also close to you. The purpose
of mourning is to establish a new form of relationship with the
dear departed one. In prayer we perceive the dead person as our
inner guide. Thus you will realize that the relationship with your dear loved one
has not been severed, but only transferred to another level.
Pray to him and, in God, he will travel every road together with you.
8. Like Christ, our loved ones too prepare a dwelling for us with God. When a
loved one dies, he takes with him and brings to God everything he has
shared with us: conversations, love, the various experiences… A
part of us is brought to God; it is already with God. When we die
we will not end up in an unknown region, but in the dwelling that
Christ and the people we have loved, who have gone before us in death,
have prepared for us. There we will find our definitive dwelling
and we will feel at home forever. We will see one another again
in eternity. We will see again the people we loved on earth.
The love you have lived will not die. “To love means to say
to the other: you will not die!” (Claudel). In eternity too,
with God, you will continue to love the people you loved on
earth, but you will love them in a new way, one that is at present incomprehensible.
It will be a love without misunderstandings and without jealousy, a pure love that
rejoices in the presence of the other… a divine love that
joins you at the same time to God and to the person you love.
shared with us: conversations, love, the various experiences… A
part of us is brought to God; it is already with God. When we die
we will not end up in an unknown region, but in the dwelling that
Christ and the people we have loved, who have gone before us in death,
have prepared for us. There we will find our definitive dwelling
and we will feel at home forever. We will see one another again
in eternity. We will see again the people we loved on earth.
The love you have lived will not die. “To love means to say
to the other: you will not die!” (Claudel). In eternity too,
with God, you will continue to love the people you loved on
earth, but you will love them in a new way, one that is at present incomprehensible.
It will be a love without misunderstandings and without jealousy, a pure love that
rejoices in the presence of the other… a divine love that
joins you at the same time to God and to the person you love.
9. In the face of the death of a loved one, you are invited to transcend earthly life.
Your desire for heaven will allow you to rise above
this world, which is not the whole of reality. In you there is something that goes
beyond, that is already in heaven. This trust frees you from the burden of
this life and gives you the divine freedom of eternity.
this world, which is not the whole of reality. In you there is something that goes
beyond, that is already in heaven. This trust frees you from the burden of
this life and gives you the divine freedom of eternity.
10. Death brings with it pain and suffering, like birth. But, when the birth has
taken place, there reigns a joy that no one can take away from us. The
working through of grief is also like the birth of a new life in you.
It is full of sufferings and fears. Often it is dark like the path
of childbirth. It seems to want to seize us by the throat. It is a narrow
and tormented road. But, once we have traveled it to the very end, our
heart widens and we see a new light that illumines us. I
wish you to pass through your grief full of trust.
taken place, there reigns a joy that no one can take away from us. The
working through of grief is also like the birth of a new life in you.
It is full of sufferings and fears. Often it is dark like the path
of childbirth. It seems to want to seize us by the throat. It is a narrow
and tormented road. But, once we have traveled it to the very end, our
heart widens and we see a new light that illumines us. I
wish you to pass through your grief full of trust.